Ed. note: Work in the church office is always challenging, but sometimes, what is needed in the church office goes way beyond your job description. When people come in with hurting hearts, Gayle Hilligoss has some wise and practical advice. At the end of the article is a description about and a link to the Stephen's Ministry, if you find your church needs more help in helping others.
“People wanting ‘counseling’ from the secretary became a problem when our pastor had a heart attack several years ago,” wrote a ministry assistant. “At first I was upset; I had no training in counseling. Then I realized people didn’t really want advice, but simply someone to talk to. The best thing I could do was listen. And, to keep the conversation confidential.”
While most people have occasional opportunities to offer comfort to others, the Christian professional may daily encounter people who are hurting. Secretaries need to be very cautious about overstepping their roles. We are not counselors and should never assume those responsibilities. But, if within the scope of your work you are faced a need, with a caring heart and a few basic techniques you can give constructive emotional first aid.
• Really listen. Listening is more than hearing a person out. An effective listener does not preach, scold, interrupt, analyze, judge, or show impatience. As you listen, acknowledge what you are hearing by nodding or saying “I understand” or the like. Give the person your full attention. Maintain eye contact.
• Express empathy. The hurting person is anxious for someone to understand her pain. “I know how you must feel” or similar phrases can be helpful—if you can truly relate to the situation. Sometimes sharing a problem allows the person to face her situation more realistically. Once faced, the hurt can begin to heal. Avoid becoming emotionally involved yourself. Your purpose is to minister, not to take on the problem as your own.
• Never minimize. The hurt may not seem like much to you, but to the person experiencing it the pain is real. Telling about your own or someone else’s bigger problem is never helpful. Avoid “It’s really not that important” or “Why let it get to you?” Ultimately the person must assess the situation for herself.
• Don’t awfulize. Just as you should not make light of a situation, avoid making the problem bigger than it really is. Don’t give opinions regarding others who are involved in the problem: “You’re right. Joe is a terrible husband. I don’t know how you’ve put up with ...”
• If I were you ... Never let those words cross your lips. Don’t make suggestions or affirm the intentions of others: “Yes, it’s a good idea to tell Joe ...” It is not necessary, nor your responsibility, to come up with solutions.
• Ask constructive questions. The goal of emotional first aid is to help people formulate their own solutions to their problems. You can ask leading questions to point people toward answers: “What are your options?” or “Do you know about our support group?”
• Point others toward prayer. Assure your troubled friend that if she needs someone to talk to, you are there for her. Once the problem is shared, encourage her to turn it over to God. Give assurance that while you don’t know the answers, God does. Close your conversation by praying together. You have offered first aid; God will do the healing.
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If more is needed, consider the Stephen's ministry:
From many years of seeing this ministry at work in many churches where I did seminars. My church has recently started a program--we are a small church and have had to cut back on staff because of big financial challenges, but with the Stephen's Ministry we don't have to cut back on caring for people.
The best way to explain them is to let their website explain them:
What Is Stephen Ministry?
The Stephen Series, also called "Stephen Ministry," provides congregations with the training, resources, and ongoing support to organize and equip a team of lay caregivers--called Stephen Ministers--in the congregation.
Stephen Ministers provide high-quality, confidential, Christ-centered care and support to people experiencing grief, divorce, cancer, job loss, loneliness, disability, relocation, and other life difficulties.
Since 1975, the Stephen Ministries organization, based in St. Louis, Missouri, has helped more than 11,000 congregations implement Stephen Ministry. These congregations represent more than 150 denominations and come from all 50 states, 10 Canadian provinces, and 23 other countries.
The Stephen Ministry Difference
With Stephen Ministry--
- Pastors don't carry the burden of being the congregation's sole caregivers. They have a team of gifted, trained, committed lay caregivers ready to minister to hurting people inside and outside the congregation.
- Laypeople have a chance to use and strengthen their leadership and caregiving gifts in meaningful ministry--serving others while experiencing tremendous spiritual growth.
- People who are hurting no longer suffer alone. A caring Christian friend comes alongside them to provide emotional and spiritual care for as long as the need persists.
- Congregations have a practical, powerful way to:
- "Equip God's people for the work of ministry, for building up the body of Christ." (Ephesians 4:12)
- "Love one another as I have loved you." (John 13:34)
- "Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ." (Galatians 6:2)
- "Go make disciples." (Matthew 28:19)
For more information, go to: http://www.stephenministries.org/
